Hoping to be human someday!

Of TOEFL, Passports, Murghas and [Beep]s

Tuesday, September 30th, 2008

I decided to give my TOEFL last Sunday, 28th Sept. I registered six days before the test, paid $25 late fees with the actual $150. Printed my admin card and saw that I needed a valid passport to give the test. This passport clause is for Pakistan, India and Bangladesh only. (See what a good rep we have?)

All of this might seem fine to you but my bloody passport expired 9 months ago! And you can’t renew a passport within six days, it takes at least 15 days.

Well, the Education Testing Service, which conducts the test, has an additional/supplemental IDs section on their website which states that other forms of identification may be used/required to prove that YOU are YOU, so I thought I may as well take my original NIC and Driver’s License.

Now, we do have excellent computerized NICs and Driving Licenses in Pakistan, thanks to Pres. Musharraf, and I took these along to the test center with me.

I even shaved my beard to match the six year old photo in the expired passport with hopes that the expiry date might not be looked at (well, I wanted to do that for a long time as I wanted to look different even though I ended up looking like a چھلا ہوا مرغا, a concern voiced by my Mom, consisting of  this stolen term from my sister, who stole it from me and I, in turn, had stolen it from a friend who named one of our teachers that for getting a haircut.)

But as luck would have had it, the insane middle-aged man sitting at the gate was looking at expiry dates without paying attention to the photo. As soon as he saw the date, he commented that it was expired and my passport was useless.

I produced my NIC, “I have supplemental IDs.”

“We look at passports only. We don’t need NICs.”

“But that’s only for proving I am me!’

“Nahin ji, only valid passport holders are allowed. Let me call someone up.”

He called his supervisor, no answer.

“You will have to go. You won’t be allowed in. We have turned many a students back for not having valid passports. There is a girl, who came at eight with a valid passport, and I let her sit inside.”

He called again. No answer.

“You will have to go. You won’t be allowed in. We have turned many a students back for not having valid passports. There is a girl, who came at eight with a valid passport, and I let her sit inside.”

He called again, someone picked up and they talked for a while.

“You will have to go. You won’t be allowed in. We have turned many a students back for not having valid passports. There is a girl, who came at eight with a valid passport, and I let her sit inside. Someone’s coming.”

After a few moments:

“You will have to go. You won’t be allowed in. We have turned many a students back for not having valid passports. There is a girl, who came at eight with a valid passport, and I let her sit inside.”

I heard the sound of footsteps and a man appeared. He looked at my passport and I showed him my NIC as well. He took it inside.

“Your passport will be photocopied and sent to Malaysia. You will have to go. You won’t be allowed in. We have turned many a students back for not having valid passports. There is a girl, who came at eight with a valid passport, and I let her sit inside.”

Break.

“You will have to go. You won’t be allowed in. We have turned many a students back for not having valid passports. There is a girl, who came at eight with a valid passport, and I let her sit inside.”

Pause.

“You will have to go. You won’t be allowed in. We have turned many a students back for not having valid passports. There is a girl, who came at eight with a valid passport, and I let her sit inside.”

Yes, you’re right, I wanted to break his teeth and shove them up his [beep].

The man returned and informed me that unless I could produce a valid passport in thirty minutes, I wouldn’t be allowed to take the test.

جی ہاں ،میرے ابا جی کی پاسپورٹ کی دکان ہے

ابھی لے کے آیا

I took my passport, called home to inform that the man on the mission had not been allowed to even start the mission and returned home. On the way, I passed by the American Embassy and thought about ramming my car into it like a suicide bomber and blowing myself up. But then I remembered that I didn’t have any explosives and would most probably end up in Guantanamo Bay rather than heaven. So I changed my mind. Live today to blow up tomorrow!

As expected, my mom was ready with all swords and daggers drawn to welcome me. And what a welcome that was!

My father “welcomed” me later at 1 a.m. in the morning.

As is usually the case, if anything goes wrong in the world, I am to blame!

I sent an email to ETS the following morning and it is as below:

Respected Sir/Madam,
I registered for the TOEFL test on Sunday, 28th of September in Karachi, Pakistan, six days before the test date in a hurry. Your website stated that in Pakistan only valid Passports can be used as ID. My passport expired eight months ago and it is impossible to renew it in less than six days. Your website fails to mention that no other form of supplemental ID is acceptable for Pakistan, like a valid National ID card or the Driving License, in the Additional IDs Section and it’s very confusing.
Please correct this as it has led me to waste an entire month of hard work and $ 175, and getting nothing except sore disappointment on not meeting my goals. I believe this might cause problems for other students as well. Thank you.

Best regards,
Ali Wajahat Jafri
ETS ID: XXXXXXXX
Registration Number: XXXXXXXXX

The reply I got:

There is not acceptable supplemental ids. Like u stated, the only acceptable id when testing in Pakistan is a passport. There are no other acceptbale ids. Thanks.

Does this reply look like that of a 15-year old or am I one of the greatest experts of the English language? Certainly doesn’t seem like the latter.

Maybe they should hire people who can actually attempt the TOEFL themselves, bloody [multiple beeps with full care of grammar].

I went to the passport office later in the morning. The whole process there was computerized with the sole exception being the payment of fees to the bank inside which took the most time. Amazingly, I went through the whole process in just 30 minutes, even though I got lost and couldn’t find the appropriate counter for some time. Damn, that’s development. God bless Musharraf!

Pakistan: 61st Independence Day, and the Future

Thursday, August 14th, 2008

The 14th day of August is upon us. Sitting at my desk, typing on my computer I can hear the occasional silencer-less motorcycles whizzing by on the main road and the sounds of the not-so-distant firecrackers exploding in the night sky. I’m happy.

Today, Pakistan celebrates it’s 61st birthday. Happy Independence Day to all!

But I’m also worried. Worried as to how many more we are going to celebrate. And as many as we do, how?

Regarding the second question, it refers to the behavior of our nation.

We can remove the silencers from our bikes, blow firecrackers or decorate houses and buildings with green and white lights for the day but when the day is over, then what? What do we do after the Day of Independence passes?

Do we feel a sense of responsibility towards our country, our nation or even our flag? Do we even care to remove the Crescent and the Star (Pakistani flag) or Jhandiyan (little paper flags) decorated on our houses or pick fallen ones from the ground? Do we remove them and put them in safe places, or throw them away in the trash?

We love our country, don’t we? We go to the Mausoleum of the Quaid-e-Azam (Supreme Leader). For what? To enjoy? Dates? Or rapes? Do we even care to recite a Surah-e-Fatiha for him if we pass by his resting place? I don’t think so.

How do we serve our country? Do we care to follow any rules or laws at all? The favorite excuse of our nation is to blame the authorities and government for all that is bad. Why don’t we take the first step and defy these ‘norms’ of our society? Why don’t we take the blame on ourselves for a change? Things are bad because we are making them so. Doesn’t it always start with ‘I’ ?

Corruption, poverty, illiteracy, etc plague our society today but look down deep inside your heart and ask yourself: Who’s to blame? Is it the politicians? The establishment? Or us, the people?

The answer: Us.

We are the ones who always seek the easy way out of everything, not concerned about the consequences our actions may produce. A policeman won’t be able to take bribes unless we want him to.

If we start teaching one child each, we can reduce our illiteracy rate significantly. But who’s got the time?

Share your fortune, feed one hungry person everyday. Daal-roti doesn’t cost millions, only 20-30 rupees. Then again, who’s got the time? And the most common of all excuses: Mehngai (Inflation). The poorest of men on the street today don’t possess money to buy flour but they own a cell phone!

When asked how things are going to get straight, the most common answers are: “It’s useless, nothing’s going to happen to this country”. Or “Only a miracle can save this country”.

Proud nations don’t stand around waiting for miracles to happen. They turn their fate around themselves. Look at the Chinese!

But we are so engrossed in the blame game that we fail to see the bright future that lies ahead if we strive to work together to take our country forward and bring it at par with the rest of the developed world.

The whole problem lies with our attitude. It’s our way of addressing things. Stop saying that the glass is half-empty. Look at the bright side: It’s half full. Try to fill it up some more.

I’ve often heard the phrase: “Is mulk ne hamein kuch nahin diya!” (This country has not given anything to us!) from people and it annoys me a lot. I ask them in return “Tum ne is mulk ko kya diya?” (What have you given to this country?). The answer: Nothing!

This country won’t go anywhere unless we take it somewhere. The time has come to set our priorities straight. We are far, far behind the rest of the world. We must catch up, quickly!

The First Question

With the American and NATO forces attacking our western border, Indian’s on the eastern one, Taliban in NWFP and FATA and the BLA in Balochistan, is anyone concerned about the safety and security of the country?

In their bid to subdue China, their greatest financial foe, the Americans are working to set up their hegemony in the area surrounding China. India is already on their side, against China. Afghanistan is theirs. The only country that stands in their way is the nuclear-armed state of Pakistan. And not an easy foe, by any means.

So how does one conquer such a strong nation? It’s easy: Divide and Conquer!

The single institution that holds this country together is the Armed Forces of Pakistan. Governments come and go, times change but the Pakistan Army has always been here to protect the land. Whenever there is a threat to the country, these people are the first to lay down their lives for the sake of the homeland. This is something the pessimists ignore completely when complaining about the resources and land owned by the army or the facilities it’s officers enjoy.

Back to the topic, how to weaken the Pakistan Army? Well there can be certain approaches, or a combined plan involving all strategies:

  • Put sellouts in the government.
  • Buy the media, constantly defame the armed forces in the eyes of the people.
  • Engage it in combat in it’s own area and make it’s targets look like national heroes, e.g., Akbar Bugti.
  • Bring it’s strength, the ISI, under American control. [Through the Ministry of Interior (Rehman Malik, the unelected, democratic Interior Minister)]
  • Promote nationalist movements in the NWFP and Baluchistan and enforce into them a sense of deprivation to promote dissent.

Result? Here it is:

Shocked? As much as you may want to deny it, things are going in this direction. Once Pakistan has been broken, it won’t be long before India takes over Punjab and Sindh as well.

We have suffered humiliation once in 1971, when East Pakistan parted ways to become Bangladesh. Are we willing to suffer it again?

Please wake up! There’s a lot more going on than what meets the eye and it’s not in our favor. All plans against Pakistan must be foiled and it can only happen if we stand united and work hard to defend our national interests.

To all those fighting for separation, sure you’ll have your own country but I assure you, you will not survive the onslaught of your enemies. You won’t have the resources or the leaders to ensure your survival. You will have a small piece of land but you’ll miss out on your rights to an equal share in the larger area of Pakistan. Ask for your rights, not separation and work hard to educate your people to bring them forward in all walks of life.

Let me recall an old tradition that is taught in elementary school.

A man had four sons. They kept fighting each other, which worried the father very much.

Soon he was on his deathbed. He then called all his sons and gave each of them a stick. He asked them to break their sticks. They did so easily.

Then he gave the first one a bundle of four sticks and asked him to break all of them together. Try as he might, he couldn’t accomplish the task. One by one, all four brothers tried but couldn’t do it.

Then the man addressed them: “Alone, the sticks were fragile and were broken easily. But together, they formed a strong bundle and could not be broken. You see, my sons, if you stay divided, you will be conquered easily. But if you stand united, no one will be able to break you!”

God bless Pakistan. Pakistan Zindabad!