DISCLAIMER: The following post may not be suitable for a wide variety of audiences…but what the hell!
It was raining heavily. Lightning kept flashing across the sky.
He stood at the edge of the cliff, holding her by the throat, gun in the other hand, threatening me with dire consequences if I moved forward. But I had other plans.
I told her to stay calm and picked up the pebble at my feet.
“Look, it’s Superman!”
He looked up, and I knocked him out with the pebble. He fell into the raging sea below. She rushed into my arms.
I raised her chin and looked into her eyes. The rain slapped across our faces, drowning her tears of love and gratitude.
I lowered my face towards hers, eyes locked on her lips, when she suddenly opened her mouth and yelled:
“ALIIIIIII, UTHO! AATH BAJ GAYE HAIN…”
TUM KARO TO CHAMATKAAR… 3
Based on the super-hit comeback “Tum Karo To Chamatkaar…”
by Haider Jafri
“Whaaa….”, I opened my eyes and looked around. “Yeh kambakht aath hamesha ghalat time pe kyun bajtay hain?”
Slowly I got up and looked around in sadness. Then I went into the bathroom and sat on my throne.
Started thinking about the day ahead, how it might turn out and stuff. And I started to think about her again…
Teri yaad mein hum itna kho gaye…Potty kartay kartay wahin so gaye!
The building was on fire. She was trapped on the top floor.
A hundred and ten storeys!
I rushed into the building. Going up the stairs was outta the question, so I took the elevator. It was damn slow!
She kept screaming my name.
“Don’t panic, I’ll save you!”, I yelled back.
Ten minutes and I was only up to the 50th floor. Oh what to do to kill time?!?
I pulled out the Dunhill International pack from my pockets. Looked for a lighter, found none. Dang!
I hit the Emergency Stop button. The doors refused to open. I kicked at them and they flew apart, dropping twenty feet away. The whole floor was on fire. I stood there calmly, pulled a cigarette out and threw it like a Frisbee towards the fire. It flew in a circle, into the flames, turning round and landed on my lips ten seconds later, lit at the wrong end. EEEOOOOWWW!!!
I pulled another one out and this time walked into the flames myself. When I emerged, the cigarette was lit, as was my ass! Double EEEEOOOOWWW!!!
The elevetor went up slowly and I puffed on, humming my favorite Metallica songs…
“ALI, HELP ME!!!”
“Aa raha hoon!”
“Patience is a virtuuueeee!”
“MAIN JAL JAOON GI!”
“AREY KAHA NA AA RAHA HOON, CHAIN SE SUTTA TO LAGANAY DO!”
Larkiyan aur un ke nakhray, qasam se!
The elevator reached the last floor and I walked out calmly into a wide hall. She was hiding underneath a desk. The rest of the hall was aflame.
I picked her up and started walking towards the elevator when suddenly there was a loud explosion and fire formed a huge wall between me and the elevator. I wanted to blow it out with a deep breath but decided against it. Too easy!
So I took the stairs to the rooftop. Cold wind slapped my face and I put her down.
I walked towards the edge to find a way off the building when I heard her giggling behind me.
“What’s the matter?”
“The rear of your pants is gone. And your butt is all scorched and black!”
I whipped out a packet of Fair & Lovely from my pockets, emptied it onto my hands and rubbed it extensively on the affected part.
“Fair & Lovely, sirf 7 minute mein gora banaye!”
*cheap ass music*
“Ab pants ka kya karogay?”, she giggled again.
“Kuch bhi nahin. Tum khush hoti raho!”
I found a horse tied some feet away from the place where I was standing. I walked towards it when suddenly a dragon appeared outta nowhere and ate it.
“WHAT THE HELL?!?”
I kicked the dragon in the wee-wees and it fell off the roof screaming, “Oh my baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa…………………..”
I looked around, trying to find another way down when I spotted an old oil lamp a few feet away. I ignored it first but suddenly a crazy idea came into my head!
I picked it up and rubbed it on the side. Nothing happened.
I rubbed it again. Still nothing.
I rubbed it once more. Nothing.
“KUTTAY KE BACHAY, BAHAR NIKAL WARNA TUJHAY CHHAT SE NEECHAY PHAINK DOON GA!”
Suddenly smoke poured out of the lamp and a genie appeared.
“Kya museebat hai Aaqa, Lakers aur Celtics ka Game 1 aa raha hai ESPN pe.”
“Who was winning?”
“Lakers, by 20 points so far.”
“Kobe Bryant, what do you expect!”
“ALIIII hamein neechay jana hai!”, she suddenly screamed from behind us.
The genie turned around, looked at her and whistled, “Oye, bachi to check kar yaar!”
“TERI BHABI HAI, TAMEEZ SE BAAT KAR KAMEENAY!!!”
“Sorry Aaqa. Khair, jaldi bolein kya kaam hai, abhi match mein 10 minute baaqi hain.”
“Hamein neechay le ke chalo.”
He started moving towards her.
“Why are you going towards her?”
“To pick her up Aaqa.”
“I’ll pick her up, you pick ME up asshole!”
I went towards her and she hugged me tight. Then she pulled back and looked at my neck.
“Wow, you have awesome collar bones!”
“And what’s the name of your sexy perfume?”
“Burberry Touch, why?”
“You forgot about the sponsors didn’t you?”
“Yes, there is one left. Your skin is so soft. How?”
“Gillette Mach 3, baby!”
“Huh? The answer was the shaving gel, not the razor stupid!”
“Whatever, they both belong to the same company!”
I picked her up and the genie pulled me up into the air by my shoulders. We soared over the roof and down the side. Then the genie let me go in mid-air.
“What the hell are you doing?”
The genie did not answer and flew away. I held her tightly as we fell when suddenly she spoke to me.
“I’m sorry Ali, I can’t fall with you. You’ll have to fall alone!”
“What about my awesome collar bones?”
“I’m sorry darling, I have to leave.”
And she vanished.
The ground came closer and closer and closer and then…
BANG!!! BANG!!! BANG!!!
Mom screamed outside the door: “TUM BAHAR NIKALTAY HO YA ANDAR AA KE NIKALOON?”
“Aa raha hoon na!”, I replied meekly and then finished my business in the bathroom.
I got out to angry glares from my sister and mother and quickly dressed up. Small breakfast and we were out of the house by 9 am.
My sister threw me off on the main road and I walked all the way to office. As usual, I was the first one to arrive and turned on my computer.
Looked at the list of tasks for the day, and got started on them.
if( isset( $_SESSION[‘userid’] ) )
$userName = $_SESSION[‘username’];
And she was there.
We stared into each other’s eyes until…
“ALI…ALI…utho, office sonay ke liye aaye ho?”
I opened my eyes to see the lab manager Naseem bhai staring at me.
“Kaam karo kaam, deadline aa rahi hai.”
“Jee Naseem bhai.”
“Aap bhi to sotay hain. Aap karein to chamatkaar, hum karein to balaatkaar?”
“Bakwaas nahin karo. Aaj achhay lag rahay ho.”
I looked at him in utter bewilderment, quickly turned back to my screen and started working.
Two hours passed and no words were spoken. Then I turned around to go outside and saw Naseem bhai, in his chair, head on the side, asleep.
The door to the lab opened all of a sudden and in walked the CEO. What happened next will take this post well beyond the R-18 rating so I’ll skip that.
When the CEO was done with Naseem bhai, he walked out of the lab and I smirked at the lab manager.
“Kyun! Naseem bhai…ho gaya balaatkaar?”
Dedicated to the one who waited too long for this.