Hoping to be human someday!

Of TOEFL, Passports, Murghas and [Beep]s

Tuesday, September 30th, 2008

I decided to give my TOEFL last Sunday, 28th Sept. I registered six days before the test, paid $25 late fees with the actual $150. Printed my admin card and saw that I needed a valid passport to give the test. This passport clause is for Pakistan, India and Bangladesh only. (See what a good rep we have?)

All of this might seem fine to you but my bloody passport expired 9 months ago! And you can’t renew a passport within six days, it takes at least 15 days.

Well, the Education Testing Service, which conducts the test, has an additional/supplemental IDs section on their website which states that other forms of identification may be used/required to prove that YOU are YOU, so I thought I may as well take my original NIC and Driver’s License.

Now, we do have excellent computerized NICs and Driving Licenses in Pakistan, thanks to Pres. Musharraf, and I took these along to the test center with me.

I even shaved my beard to match the six year old photo in the expired passport with hopes that the expiry date might not be looked at (well, I wanted to do that for a long time as I wanted to look different even though I ended up looking like a چھلا ہوا مرغا, a concern voiced by my Mom, consisting of  this stolen term from my sister, who stole it from me and I, in turn, had stolen it from a friend who named one of our teachers that for getting a haircut.)

But as luck would have had it, the insane middle-aged man sitting at the gate was looking at expiry dates without paying attention to the photo. As soon as he saw the date, he commented that it was expired and my passport was useless.

I produced my NIC, “I have supplemental IDs.”

“We look at passports only. We don’t need NICs.”

“But that’s only for proving I am me!’

“Nahin ji, only valid passport holders are allowed. Let me call someone up.”

He called his supervisor, no answer.

“You will have to go. You won’t be allowed in. We have turned many a students back for not having valid passports. There is a girl, who came at eight with a valid passport, and I let her sit inside.”

He called again. No answer.

“You will have to go. You won’t be allowed in. We have turned many a students back for not having valid passports. There is a girl, who came at eight with a valid passport, and I let her sit inside.”

He called again, someone picked up and they talked for a while.

“You will have to go. You won’t be allowed in. We have turned many a students back for not having valid passports. There is a girl, who came at eight with a valid passport, and I let her sit inside. Someone’s coming.”

After a few moments:

“You will have to go. You won’t be allowed in. We have turned many a students back for not having valid passports. There is a girl, who came at eight with a valid passport, and I let her sit inside.”

I heard the sound of footsteps and a man appeared. He looked at my passport and I showed him my NIC as well. He took it inside.

“Your passport will be photocopied and sent to Malaysia. You will have to go. You won’t be allowed in. We have turned many a students back for not having valid passports. There is a girl, who came at eight with a valid passport, and I let her sit inside.”

Break.

“You will have to go. You won’t be allowed in. We have turned many a students back for not having valid passports. There is a girl, who came at eight with a valid passport, and I let her sit inside.”

Pause.

“You will have to go. You won’t be allowed in. We have turned many a students back for not having valid passports. There is a girl, who came at eight with a valid passport, and I let her sit inside.”

Yes, you’re right, I wanted to break his teeth and shove them up his [beep].

The man returned and informed me that unless I could produce a valid passport in thirty minutes, I wouldn’t be allowed to take the test.

جی ہاں ،میرے ابا جی کی پاسپورٹ کی دکان ہے

ابھی لے کے آیا

I took my passport, called home to inform that the man on the mission had not been allowed to even start the mission and returned home. On the way, I passed by the American Embassy and thought about ramming my car into it like a suicide bomber and blowing myself up. But then I remembered that I didn’t have any explosives and would most probably end up in Guantanamo Bay rather than heaven. So I changed my mind. Live today to blow up tomorrow!

As expected, my mom was ready with all swords and daggers drawn to welcome me. And what a welcome that was!

My father “welcomed” me later at 1 a.m. in the morning.

As is usually the case, if anything goes wrong in the world, I am to blame!

I sent an email to ETS the following morning and it is as below:

Respected Sir/Madam,
I registered for the TOEFL test on Sunday, 28th of September in Karachi, Pakistan, six days before the test date in a hurry. Your website stated that in Pakistan only valid Passports can be used as ID. My passport expired eight months ago and it is impossible to renew it in less than six days. Your website fails to mention that no other form of supplemental ID is acceptable for Pakistan, like a valid National ID card or the Driving License, in the Additional IDs Section and it’s very confusing.
Please correct this as it has led me to waste an entire month of hard work and $ 175, and getting nothing except sore disappointment on not meeting my goals. I believe this might cause problems for other students as well. Thank you.

Best regards,
Ali Wajahat Jafri
ETS ID: XXXXXXXX
Registration Number: XXXXXXXXX

The reply I got:

There is not acceptable supplemental ids. Like u stated, the only acceptable id when testing in Pakistan is a passport. There are no other acceptbale ids. Thanks.

Does this reply look like that of a 15-year old or am I one of the greatest experts of the English language? Certainly doesn’t seem like the latter.

Maybe they should hire people who can actually attempt the TOEFL themselves, bloody [multiple beeps with full care of grammar].

I went to the passport office later in the morning. The whole process there was computerized with the sole exception being the payment of fees to the bank inside which took the most time. Amazingly, I went through the whole process in just 30 minutes, even though I got lost and couldn’t find the appropriate counter for some time. Damn, that’s development. God bless Musharraf!

Video: If He’s Insisting, I Might Hug!!!

Thursday, September 25th, 2008

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Selling Ramazan

Thursday, September 25th, 2008

Whenever the month of Ramazan comes, Muslims become hyper-sensitive with respect to their religion. It’s as if all their sins would be washed away in a single month. Don’t get me wrong, Ramazan has it’s ‘more than fair’ share of virtues but the hypocritical nature of Muslims disgusts me! A whole year passes by, with Muslims indulging in all sorts of sins but as soon as Ramazan comes, they turn into ’self-proclaimed slaves of Allah’.

During this month, we see a LOT of religious programs with ‘hate-spewing self-delared-aalim jaahil’ anchors and commercials with religious inclinations. Now, people may see this as an act of servitude to Allah but I think otherwise. These people are using Ramazan to make more and more money, by exploting the ’sudden need to be near Allah’ amongst the people. In other words, they are selling Ramazan!

Check these ads out:

This video was embedded using the YouTuber plugin by Roy Tanck. Adobe Flash Player is required to view the video.

This video was embedded using the YouTuber plugin by Roy Tanck. Adobe Flash Player is required to view the video.

This video was embedded using the YouTuber plugin by Roy Tanck. Adobe Flash Player is required to view the video.

This video was embedded using the YouTuber plugin by Roy Tanck. Adobe Flash Player is required to view the video.

Ali Imam Manasto Manam Ghulam-e-Ali

Tuesday, September 23rd, 2008

During Decoration

Taboot-e-Maula Ali (A.S.) During Decoration Taboot-e-Maula Ali (A.S.) During Decoration Taboot-e-Maula Ali (A.S.) During Decoration
Taboot-e-Maula Ali (A.S.) During Decoration Taboot-e-Maula Ali (A.S.) During Decoration Taboot-e-Maula Ali (A.S.) During Decoration
Taboot-e-Maula Ali (A.S.) During Decoration Taboot-e-Maula Ali (A.S.) During Decoration Taboot-e-Maula Ali (A.S.) During Decoration
Taboot-e-Maula Ali (A.S.) During Decoration Taboot-e-Maula Ali (A.S.) During Decoration Taboot-e-Maula Ali (A.S.) During Decoration

 

After Decoration

Taboot-e-Maula Ali (A.S.) Fully Decorated Taboot-e-Maula Ali (A.S.) Fully Decorated Taboot-e-Maula Ali (A.S.) Fully Decorated
Taboot-e-Maula Ali (A.S.) Fully Decorated Taboot-e-Maula Ali (A.S.) Fully Decorated Taboot-e-Maula Ali (A.S.) Fully Decorated
Taboot-e-Maula Ali (A.S.) Fully Decorated Taboot-e-Maula Ali (A.S.) Fully Decorated

 

During Procession

Taboot-e-Maula Ali (A.S.) During Procession Taboot-e-Maula Ali (A.S.) During Procession

Justice to Muslims, and the Justice of Muslims

Sunday, September 21st, 2008

One day a man was traveling on his camel with his possessions and his slave. He stopped at a mosque and went inside to pray, leaving the slave to take care of the goods.

When he was gone, the slave climbed on the camel’s back. When the master returned, the slave declared himself as the master and the actual master as his slave. A quarrel ensued.

The matter was then taken to Ali Ibne Abu Talib (A.S.), cousin and son-in-law of the Holy Prophet Muhammad (S.A.W.W.). He was seated on the ground in a field with some of his friends and followers, and his slave Qambar.

Upon hearing the matter, Ali ordered Qambar to make a wall out of mud. He then told Qambar to make two head-sized holes in it. He gave his sword, Zulfiqar, to Qambar to unsheath and hold high above the wall.

Ali addressed the two men and ordered them to put their heads in the holes. They obliged. Ali then turned to Qambar and ordered:

“Behead the slave!”

Upon hearing this, the real slave quickly withdrew his head, got up and ran away screaming.

Ali turned to the remaining man and declared him the real master.

**************

In another event, two women were brought to Ali. They both claimed they were the mother of the same child.

Ali ordered the child to be brought to court. He then told to cut the child in two and hand a piece to each woman.

Upon hearing this, one woman denounced her claim and asked to give the child to the other woman.

Upon hearing this, Ali ordered the child to be given to the woman who had spoken, saying that a real mother would never allow her child to get hurt, even if it means staying away from him!

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Examples of Ali’s wisdom and generosity are here, here, here and here.

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This is the Ali about whom Umar remarked:

اگر علی نہ ہوتا تو عمر ہلاک ہو جاتا

If Ali had not been, Umar would have been killed!

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The 19th of Ramazan marks the day Ali was attacked by Abdur-Rehman Ibne Muljim (L.A.), a Kharjite (one of the Remnants from the battle of Naharwan), sent by Muawiyya (L.A.) Ibne Abu Sufyan (L.A.), the Umayyad (L.A.) daddy of the likes of Zakir Naik (L.A.), Israr Ahmed (L.A.), Javed Ghamdi (L.A.) and Amir Liaquat (L.A.).

Ali was leading the Fajr prayers in the mosque of Kufah when Ibne Muljim (L.A.) attacked him with his sword in the second Sajdah (prostration), bifurcating the top of his head from which blood began spurting. After the attack, Ali declared:

Fuzto Bi-Rab-bil Ka’aba!

meaning

By the God of the Ka’aba, Ali has become successful!

The sword that Ibne Muljim (L.A.) used was heavily poisoned and as soon as the medics examined the wound, they asked Ali(A.S.) to declare his will. (For more information on Ali’s Martyrdom, read this.)

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I’m talking about the cousin and son-in-law of the Prophet (S.A.W.W.) whom the Prophet raised in his own house from the age of three months and fed him in such a way that according to Ali:

He used to put the food in his mouth, soften it up with his tounge and then feed it to me like a bird feeds it’s chick i.e. put it directly in my mouth from his own!

This is the Ali whom the Prophet (S.A.W.W.) declared as his own brother after the migration to Madinah when he was forming brotherhoods between the Mahajirs and the Ansars.

This is the Ali about whom the Prophet also declared that “Wherever truth goes, Ali will follow and wherever Ali goes, truth will follow!”

Once, Ali was seated with the Prophet (S.A.W.W.). Abu Bakr and Ayesha were also present. Ayesha noted that her father kept his eyes fixed on Ali’s face.

She asked her father, “Why do you keep looking at Ali’s face?”

He replied, “Have you not heard the Prophet say that Allah sends his blessings on Ali’s face and to look at it is the worship of Allah?”

This is the Ali who has the honor and distinction of coming to and leaving this world in the houses of Allah: Born in the Holy Ka’aba itself and martyred in the mosque of Kufah!

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It is a shame to say that none of the channels yet have aired a program on Ali Ibne Abi Talib (A.S.) on the occasion of his martyrdom. Geo TV’s Aamir Liaquat-guided-and-produced anchor did a program in which he informed the viewers that it was the date of the death of the ruler Abdur Rahman Saalis. And who the heck is that?

Our media can go out of their way to investigate and inform about a historical nobody like Abdur Rahman Saalis but fail to even acknowledge the occasion of the attack on perhaps the most popular undisputed personality in the history of Islam, after the Holy Prophet (S.A.W.W.). Why is every information related to the Ahle Bayt (A.S.) of the Prophet (S.A.W.W.) hidden and suppressed by our media and scholars when it is present in coherence in the books of almost all the sects? What is there to be afraid of? Is this stubbornness, jealousy or plain defiance of the Prophet’s (S.A.W.W.) teachings and sayings?

One thing it is for sure, and that is shameless idiocy!

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Innal-laha As-alukum Alaihin Ajran Illal Mawaddata Fil Qurba!

“Say: I do not ask of you (followers) any return for it (teachings) but love for my near relatives.”

(Holy Quraan, 42:23)

The verse is popularly known as the Ayah-e-Mawaddah (Verse of Mawaddat or the Verse of Devotion)

The term “Al-Qurba” in this verse, based on the traditions narrated from the Holy Prophet (S.A.W.W.), embraces only “Ali, Fatimah, Hasan, and Husain and no one else”.

The tradition from Ibne Abbas has it that when the “mawaddat ul-qurba” verse was revealed, the Prophet (S.A.W.W.) was asked: “O messenger, who are your near relatives who should be loved?”

He stated: “Ali, Fatimah, and their sons!”

This tradition has been narrated by Muhib Tabari in “Zakhair al-`Uqba” 25/1; Ibn Hanbal in “Manaqib” 110; Mo’min Shabilenji “Nural-Absar” 101; and Zamakhshari in “Kashshaf” as annotation to the said verse.

In the “Tafsir al-Kabir”, Fakhr Razi has related the said narration from “Kashshaf” and has said that based on this verse, Ali, Fatimah, Hasan, and Husain should be revered and sanctified. He has also cited lines of verse from the Shafii’ Imam, Muhammad bin Idris Shafii’ in this regard. A line of it is as follows:

If love for the members of the Household of the Holy Prophet is heresy, then the world should stand witness that I am a heretic.